Saturday, July 30, 2016

Ending the Parent-Teen Control Battle : Resolve the Power Struggle and Build Trust, Responsibility, and Respect by Neil D.Brown

No.of pages : 195
Publisher : New Harbingers Publications
Publication date : 1st Oct 2016
Genre : Self-help, psychology
Book links : Netgalley Amazon Goodreads
Author links : Website

My review





This book is for both adolescents and parents. All parents who want healthy functioning of their family and not potential problems please don’t be ashamed, just raise your hands!!!If you are shy but want to improve your family into an exemplary/ideal family, buy this book. It will not disappoint you. This book is highly worth of our money. Each and every line found in it is a rare gem and has a strong message to say to us.Our mind is triggered immediately by excitement to know more about control battle in this astonishing book.

The author has written this book exclusively for families with a teenager or teenagers to become more powerful and enduring. He has laid a solid foundation and if we are wise we will be able to catch up the true meanings of what he has said about positive and negative patterns very often or seldom arising in families.

Early adolescents, middle adolescents and late adolescents, these are discussed in details. Sample case studies are also included to help decide which of the parent is close to matching the descriptions stated in the book. It is best we work with our adolescent’s basic nature (Four temperaments as mentioned in the book), how essential this is told by the author is somehow very reasonable.

The common sense Book of Baby and Child Care, one of the top selling books of all time. Prior to Spock, behaviorists advised that responding to infants’ requests would spoil them and leave them ill-prepared for the real word.

How true is that? I don’t know how many parents and adolescents will agree to this but anyway I agree.

The author’s professional relationship with many doctors especially in the field of psychology and clinical therapists and some of the books published before his book, aids him abundantly and thank God for that. The way he is helped by these people, he undertook this chance to help struggling parents with teenagers. Some teens do not have any goals in life. No matter how much we yell at them either the parents lose the battle or the battle goes on and on. It is because of wrong upbringing.

My explanation for the above -The parents would have spoiled their teen when they were child, say 4-8 years old by buying them whatever they asked for and showering them with lots of love and affection. The latter is fine but not necessarily the previous one. Here, it turns out to be negative form of raising the children. Now how to stop negative patterns, meaning, the children are spoiled not able to face some of the challenges of the world. They have to be coached as this is one of the major psychological problem.

Apart from that, the author has done thorough research, according to my intellect, nothing is left unanswered though I could point a few. The power struggle does not involve the parents and the adolescents, it is because of the negative pattern. In order to achieve positive pattern in families, the author unselfishly tries hard to explain what he knows in simple words.

Childhood is different from adulthood. So the author warns us not to confuse with these two. Controlling pattern is referred as beast, our biggest enemy. So the book is all about the beast and how to eradicate them.

When should we grant a privilege or deny a privilege? This is explained in the form of conversation between an adolescent and the parent. Reinstating a lost privilege is also told for the parents to give another chance to their problematic teenager. List of privileges are listed if the adolescent behaves well which is very helpful to the parents.

The author’s simplification must be rewarded as he has told how to develop self-esteem in children. Nowadays, many children struggle with this. There are two types of children-children with self-esteem and children without self-esteem. Why I am stressing is , if there is no existence of self-esteem in children, in future they have to undergo various struggles and they never will be considered by the society. They will become invisible. Children need a little support and encouragement from parents. If the parent understand this, they do not have to worry about anything.

Whether an individual is athletic, musical, introverted, or outgoing, we all have different strengths. Nobody is good at everything, but everybody is good at many things. Kids need to know this about themselves and become comfortable with who they are.

Happiness skills, Self-knowledge and self-acceptance, Passion and goals, emotional management skills, managing responsibilities, relationship skills, difference between sadness and depression, children with learning disabilities and the challenge it poses, etc. I want to continue with each and everything said in the book but it is like spoiling the book, so I will stop here.

This book is divided into three parts. Anyone who wants to know what they are, can buy the book online or get their own copy for free through Net Galley if it is still available.

Excerpts from the book

Parent-teen control battle -Simple things, like getting your teenager to do homework, do
a chore, be nice to his or her sibling, or simply be home on time, can seem overwhelming. Just getting your kid out of bed and off to school in the morning can be an ordeal that saps the pleasure out of the day. Sometimes the problems are far more severe, such as those involving crime, drug abuse, and other dangerous behaviors.

So let’s be clear: there is no “right kind of family,” there is no such thing as a perfect family, and all families have problems. So if you are struggling with your teenager, please don’t decide that you are a bad parent or that you have a bad kid.

There is a natural push/pull that goes on between kids and parents that is common,normal, and important.

Daniel Siegel (2014), in his book Brainstorm, explains the effects of this increased dopamine release on teen behavior.

The first effect is impulsivity—adolescents imply react to the drive for pleasure before giving any real thought or evaluation to their actions.

Some people are more emotionally sensitive than others and may tend to react more quickly or intensely. Some may be naturally competitive and inclined to “win” an interaction.

Childrearing experts Ron Taffel and Melinda Blau, in their excellent book, Nurturing Good Children Now, present an illuminating section on individual temperament and how it affects children and their parents. We are better off understanding that our teenagers are in charge of their behavior and that as parents we are in charge of ours.

We are better off understanding that our teenagers are in charge of their behavior and that as parents we are in charge of ours.

Success takes more than a vision; it takes knowledge, skill, resources, and hard work.
But without a vision of success, problems and obstacles will be discouraging, overwhelming, and defeating. Lack of vision may even cause a person to give up.

The control battle–involved teen will consider that the parent is “doing something to me: taking away my freedom, not allowing me to use my phone, not letting me watch TV.” These teens can experience themselves as victims of their unreasonable parents who are“coming down on them.” They will not get the message that they need to take responsibility and change a behavior 

When your teen asks, “What are you doing?” you reply, “I want to make sure I understand your feelings. I hear what you’re asking for, and I’m happy to discuss how you can get what you want, but not you are badgering me. Badgering is a form of abuse and is not acceptable.
This is exactly what self-esteem is: confidence in one’s own worth and abilities.

Keep in mind, a diagnosis of LD or ADHD is not an excuse; it’s an opportunity to take this information and use it as a guide to success.

After discovering a learning disability or ADHD, we want to get as much information about the specific condition as possible.

Depending on the level of cooperation your teen demonstrates, include him in choosing the appropriate resources for support.

The questions to stay focused on are: What are my teen’s needs, and what resources are required to meet those needs?

Teens who are out of control, at serious risk, and unresponsive to parental requirements are referred to by mental health professionals as “beyond parental control,” or BPC. As we have established in this book, parents don’t actually control their teens; parents can only control their own parenting.

Trauma or a serious disruption in a teen’s life may have encouraged the negative behavior.Or, the teen may have been involved with substance abuse or destructive behaviors without the parent’s awareness.

My verdict


Go ahead. You can close your eyes and buy this book in bulk for yourself and for those you care. The book answers all our quesstions miraculously but what about a teenager who has a bad parent?The author has victimized the parent and has shown the teenagers in a bad light. I suppose he understands what I mean by that.


Rating  4.5/5

Disclaimer I sincerely thank the author for providing me advance review copy of this book through Netgalley.

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